Isabella Manning

Why me?

2006-05-18T01:16:00.000-07:00

I am one hopeless screwed up individual. I either consciously or sub-consciously screw up every single relationship I have.

Whether it be friends, co-workers....Hell, I bet even my cat hates me.

And what do I need to do to stop this? I mean, I'm a grown woman for God's sake. I need to get a hold of myself and try to move forward.

Maybe what I need to do is finally take the bar and stop being an assistant. And become an ADA myself.

Or maybe what I need is that shoulder to cry on and not deaf ears to listen to me....

No one but myself to blame.

Helpless

2006-04-12T12:31:00.000-07:00

It kills me to see people that I know and respect in such pain. Such denial.

And it makes them change. Change in some way that isn't for the better.

I think the worst part of it all is that I'm powerless to stop it.

I try to make time in my schedule for what's important. To keep my engagements. And never change the way things are arranged.

Sometimes, I wonder if that has led to the demise of any and all relationships in my life.

That's why I don't have normal relationships. Usually, we both get what we need out of it and we leave it at that. But that does take it's toll. I know I'm not getting any younger and neither is anyone else.

I'm sure people my age thought we would all be happily married with two kids and a dog with a nice little house outside of the city.

But most of the time. We're divorced, maybe remarried. One child that is constantly in the shuffle and probably resents their parents. And you're living in some fifth floor walk-up on the lower east side just to make ends meet.

It wasn't supposed to be like this.

No one was supposed to end up alone, or with one of those "special" friends. No one was supposed to seem disposable.

And I'm sorry that it feels that way. I know, on my part, that's not what was intended.

I just wish there was a way to fix it.....And make it new again. When it was perfect.

But without the power to change the past, I fear....That it may be lost.

Sorry George

2006-03-29T13:12:00.000-08:00

I'm slow....And my computer hated me...I think it's got mommy issues.....

1. Do you have a nickname? (other than your blogger nickname)Of course

2. If so what is it? Belisima...You remember that SNL scetch? Yeah...

3. What is your favorite memory as a child? Probably all the time in Paris. Very cool

4. What relative did you like the most?My dad. I could get anything I wanted from him...Daddy's little girl I guess.

5. Who is your best friend? I would say Bobby....Although I do have other friends....You know who you are

Technology

2006-03-29T13:09:00.000-08:00

Sorry....Computer was on the blink....But I promise....Something soon....

Casual

2006-02-24T22:07:00.000-08:00

Some of you have said that I am treating this thing between Bobby and I like it was nothing.

Let me explain by just saying this. We both get what we need at the time without any titles getting in the way.

Sometimes, I wonder if words really screw up our behavior.

We as a society thrive on titles and positions. We're hardly just people. We're someone's supervisor or someone's assistant. Or teacher or nurse. Or police officer.....

Whatever the case maybe. We often define ourselves by what we are. At least officially.

I hate to talk about her, but take Nicole for example. She's probably lived her whole life trying to outrun some title some used up piece of garbage gave her.

Yes, I feel terrible that her life was so awful. But, that doesn't give her the excuse to murder. Nothing really does that. Except self defense. And there's no way that everyone is out to get her. Just not believable.

I understand that she gets under Bobby's skin. I know they've got this connection. While he let me in on some of the story, it's not like he sat and poured out his heart.

admitting to himself that feelings for her do exist is good for him. He needs to say it out loud. So he can learn to move on.

"It is better to have loved and lost, than never loved at all."

I think that sums it up best. And I don't think it's a love like you would think.

It's that heart-wrenching pain you feel for someone that you understand. You understand all their demons and shadows. And still, you feel this for them. You don't want anything else terrible to happened to them.

Who knows how much more than can take?

I think the thing I find most frustrating about her is, If things were different...And she wasn't, well, a murderer.....She is someone that I would be friends with.

Scary huh?

Not as scary as the work I have to go in to do tomorrow. God, working on Saturday's.

I am married to my job.....

But I Digress

2006-02-19T19:06:00.000-08:00

First of all, if it seemed like I was rubbing my night in Nikki....Excuse me, Nicole's face. Well, it's because I was. Just to light her up a little.

Only because she took the first swing. She should always be prepared to take just as good as she hands out.

Now, I won't get into any sordid details. But I'll tell you about Friday.

I know he wasn't feeling the best, physically. But I could tell he was emotionally drained.

So I just listened. I listened to the Nicole Wallace chronicles. He told me about meeting her for the first time and just knowing that there was something about her. About her embarrassing him just to try and deny the truth to herself. Her daughter...Her ex-husband...And all the people she's killed or tried to kill. I'm glad he's not on that list.

Then he told of all the little mind games they play with each other. How, even though it's painful, it's allowed him new insight to her. New understanding.

And even how, despite all the acts of violence and the emotional scars. That he loves her. Not because he chose to, but because it exists. I can tell he's angry with himself for not wanting to love her. But, he didn't have a choice.

I understand not having a choice. You know that person is like toxin...But you just can't help it. You share some deep, underlying thing that binds you to them. And in that, you're connected. No one else could possibly understand you the way they do.

....And that person I'm talking about, is doing three consecutive life sentences in Attica. Lucky him.

Anyhow, all Bobby really needed was a friend to listen. And I'm glad I can do that for him. He also needs a release. And I'm particularly glad I can do that for him.

Running into her was just a bonus. And seeing her face to face, letting her know that I won't be moved by her threats and intimidation tactics.....

I wouldn't have had it any other way.

This is just a quick one....

2006-02-17T21:58:00.000-08:00

Just wanted to say....

Score: Bella 1, Nikki....NOTHING!

...More later...just did this really quick while someone was in the shower.

All Work

2006-02-16T18:58:00.000-08:00

It's been a really busy day today.

Mike had me run over some of the Wallace files for him to go over. Which, I must say. I was more that happy to do. Not just to have someone else stare at them, but just to steal a moment. A glance, anything.

When I came into the squad room, Bobby must have been out. So, I found Mike and got those files out of my hands. (I think I actually felt the slime come off of my hands after that)

He was reviewing tapes of the interviews with her. And he invited me to watch. Not that I wanted to stare at her, but I was compelled. Plus, I felt like I shouldn't leave a friend to suffer alone...And I had nothing else to do. Really....

The more I watched, the more angry I became. I realize she and Bobby have this little "mind games" thing going on, but she was taking some pretty low blows. Anyone that knows him knows that he doesn't discuss anything personal. Ever.

If he even mentions it in passing, it must be something pretty serious.

But, he does always get her, like no one else can. And from the very beginning, he knew what she was. A cold, malicious killer with no mercy. No remorse. Nothing but destruction for those around her.

I have read her case files. And I can see why he is so consumed with her. She gets under your skin. As of late, she has showed some signs of remorse...But even the most dedicated demented murder knows when to turn on the charm.

I was so deep in thought and in conversation with Mike that I didn't hear or see the door open.....

"She kind of gets to you doesn't she?"

Scared the crap out of me, well, not literally. They both laughed at me for being "such a girl," in Mike's words, and I told them that it wouldn't happened again. Which was a terrible lie. I sure they knew that.

That's when I noticed Bobby watching her again. So, I said good bye to Mike, told him to call if he needed anything else, and I asked Bobby to see me out.

It's the gentleman in him, he couldn't say no.

Once we were our of earshot, I told him that he needed some extra attention. The Nicole mess had him all worked up. I know I'm not his "girlfriend" but I am his friend and I hate to see him like this.

"You wouldn't understand."

"Try me."

I promised that I would listen to anything he needed to say about it, tomorrow night over drinks. And then, I would take care of all that ails him.

And then, there was that smile. I live for that smile. And the knowledge that only I can make him smile like that.

The elevator door opened and I turned to get in and he followed. I wasn't quite for sure why, but I assumed that he thought see me out meant see me out to my car. Either way, fine by me.

And that's what he did. He even took my keys and opened my door. (And they say chivalry is dead.)

Then he looked around, making sure no one was watching....And it's a damn good thing I was sitting down because that kiss would have made knees give out.

"So, I take it we're having drinks tomorrow?"

"I don't know....Maybe. And as for that, I just. Well, it felt right."

"Really?"

"Yes."

"So, tomorrow then? It would be good for you."

"You're not letting me out of this. Are you?"

"Not in a million years. How's nine?"

"Perfect."

He handed back my keys and watched as I pulled away. You know, it's not a public thing. And it's not really deep. But, he treats me right. I return the favor. And it works out pretty well.

But what happens behind closed doors stays behind closed doors.

Good thing too, or else we'd both be arrested!

Too quiet

2006-02-15T14:50:00.000-08:00

Sorry I haven't said much. It's been insane, between work and play. I'm a pretty busy girl.

Some days, I almost feel bad for poor Ron. Bobby and Alex almost hand him a slam dunk every time. He hardly ever gets to be in a courtroom for their cases. Kind of sad for me too. That just means Bobby only comes here to drop off paperwork.

*sigh* Oh, well. There's always dinner.

Speaking of, last night was to die for! What can I say, for a man that doesn't have a great love for that Hallmark Holiday, he certainly knows how to show a girl a good time.

In and out of a restaurant.

You know, I'm glad we have this time together. And it doesn't have to be more than just time. We're both far to busy with work and personal issues to bet tangled up in being somebody's better half.

But I think that's what we all need from time to time. Just a really close friend.

A close friend who happens to be very well versed in the art of passion.

Well, not to spoil this blurb. But I'm running late for dinner.

Tagged By A Killer

2006-01-14T11:28:00.000-08:00

*5 Things I'm Addicted To*

~ Coffee
~ Yankee candles
~ Shoes
~ Capt N Crunch
~ Sex with Bobby- Joking. I had to say that to push Nikki's buttons. My black lapcat. She's so affectionate & lovable. I forget life before her.

10 Awesomely Bad Songs from Childhood

2006-01-13T10:46:00.000-08:00

Alex & I were talking the other day about VH1's "40 Most Awesomely Bad..." series and how we both get suckered in every time. I mean, if I stop on the channel I'm stuck there at least an hour. I loved to dance as a young child and music was always on in our home. Here are 10 songs that I still love from the 70's but would rather not admit to loving.

Dancing Queen - Abba~ I can still see them sitting in that helicopter on the back of my album. I thought it was so cool how they all resembled one another too.

I Will Survive - Gloria Gaynor~ Might as well just get this one out of the way already. I remember roller skating to this song pretending to be the girl in the video. Okay the girl in the lower corner of the video.

Ring My Bell - Anita Ward~ I had NO idea what the title meant or why people looked at me funny when I sang it.

Le Freak - Chic~ I wore this 45 out. My record player was near a window & this played so often that the red label was fading to pink.

Tragedy - Bee Gees~ I couldn't understand the lyrics, I actually thought they said, "Tragedy, the SEAWEED's gone..." & so that is what I sang!

Bad Girls - Donna Summer~ Toot Toot, Yeah- Beep Beep.

It's Raining Men - The Weather Girls~ No need to explain.

Treat Me Right - Pat Benetar~ After my disco phase I discovered rocker chicks were pretty cool.

Rapture - Blondie~ Debbie Harry = Way Cool.

My Sharona - The Knack~ This song could have been released just today for the very first time & it'd be huge even now. Timelessly cool song.

What are 10 songs that you still love from way back when?

A Few Sweet "First" Kisses

2006-01-06T03:52:00.000-08:00

First Time Mommy Love-

Big City Love-

Baby To Be-

The dreaded school play-

A Formal Affair-

2006-01-05T12:31:00.000-08:00

Another hour and with any luck I'll be out of here.

Yesterday I was in this romantic mindset. First love. First glances, all of that mush. Today, it's quite a bit different. Today I don't want the hand holding unless it's after sex.

Really good sex.

The First Time

2006-01-04T13:05:00.000-08:00

Remember the first time you held a boys (girls) hand? Remember how you analyzed every detail of that hand and hung onto it for dear life? You committed it to memory so that even when you were apart you'd still feel his hand in yours.

First kiss. Do you remember the butterflies of anticipation because you thought it might happen? Was it like that or were you completely taken by surprise and it was over in a flash- leaving you in a bit of jubilant shock?

First lover. Was he anything like you'd imagined? Do you even remember? Was it forgettable? Regrettable experience? Do women ever really have a good first time? Maybe the mental aspect is wonderful but good sex rarely happens right out of the gate.

As you get older those little *firsts* no longer seem like a big deal. How many couples skip over the handholding & other little pleasures after they've been together for awhile- it's kind of sad, isn't it?

Now as grown ups we hear of couples hooking up and it's no big deal- but remember when it was?

2006-01-03T20:31:00.000-08:00

How is it that I can be so entirely burnt out and it's only Tuesday? Seriously, it feels like late Thursday during a week spent in court.

I'll really post something tomorrow. I haven't dropped off the earth, yet anyway.

2005-12-31T08:04:00.000-08:00

Dance Me To the End of Love

This morning is the best morning I've had all week. No pile of paperwork. No angry coworkers. No heaving. No vomit. No getting my ass kicked in court. that was how i ended my workday yesterday.

A few dances, being led for a change. Surrendering to the music, the moment, to him. It was what I needed.

Next Time, I'll Have A Cheeseburger

2005-12-29T03:44:00.000-08:00

I'm not even going to go into the last 36 hours in detail. I'll just say that instead of being whisked around a dance floor I've spent quality time talking to "Bob" (so NOT a detective) on the big white phone.

Court yesterday. I've heard that I managed to show up and do my job. So i've heard anyway, I remember little besides the shakes, sweating & ringing in my ears. Last night my sister dragged me to the ER.

New York City Emergency Room.

Never a place anyone wants to need to visit. After 6 hours waiting to recieve 4 shots in the ass & 3 bags of fluids run through an IV the doctor tilts his head to the side and says, "Are you sure it was the shrimp that made you sick? Could there be another cause?"

He's the doctor that is holding my chart, why ask a question like that? I felt like asking what he found in my labwork. Maybe if I knew what turned up I could retrace it easier!

Fake Is Still Fake

2005-12-27T07:28:00.000-08:00

Botox. Plastic surgery. Implants. I really hate all of that. Even more, I hate the message it sends out. If you aren't absolutely perfect then there is something wrong with you. Whatever happened to people wanting to be unique? Flaws can be beautiful.

Instead we have 14 year old girls skipping meals & playing with laxatives in order to try to attain the perfect body. Perfect, meaning nearly invisible. A meal is taboo to a lot of young girls & that is just sick.

What happened to raising girls with a healthy body image instead of helping to peddle a distorted view?

As for growing older, I say fight it as much as you can & then embrace the rest. Botox, implants, nip/tucking for a man? Hell no! If he wants a younger woman he does not want a 45 year old that looks 25- he wants the 25 year old period. Let him go get one while you find yourself a real man.

Of All People to Forget A Face!

2005-12-24T03:56:00.000-08:00

She's nobody's girlfriend...She doesn't behave like one. She's something else.....

Well. I can't be offended or even slightly jolted by such a remark, because it's true. I am nobody's girlfriend- by choice. Serious relationships just don't work for me at this point. I can't give the amount of time & energy to make anything really work on all levels. I am married to my job. Hopefully not forever, but for right now that's how it needs to be. I know what I need & what I need to be able to give when in a serious relationship in order to make it feel good. I don't have the time to devote & so trying to fumble through and take what I need- it's just not fair to do to a man. A good man. I hope within a few more years I'll have proved myself enough to balance my life out a bit more.

That doesn't mean I'm lonely. I have friendly relationships. There's only ever one man in the picture at a time- if at all. I don't need someone chasing after me but it is nice to know once or twice a week someone will be there to talk to. Dinner. Conversation. Drinks. More conversation. Sex. More Sex. Go home.

That can be a really good thing when you both are honest about only being capable of that much. Safe & secure without the drama.

I'm stunned that she doesn't remember me. I never would have believed a change in haircolor would confuse her!

Christmas in Paris

2005-12-22T10:18:00.000-08:00

I adore this time of year. I'm like a kid because it all feels kind of magical to me. Christmas in New York is an amazing experience. The tranit strike has made it that much more- amazing I might add. There's just an energy out on the streets that reminds me a bit of Paris. I lived there from the age of 6 until I came to live with my father in the states when I was 16. My parents separated when I was 8 & my sister & I stayed with our mum while dad returned to the states to live. Dad is a native New Yorker, how he ended up married to my french-born mum is a story unto itself.

Arc de Triomphe illuminated at Christmas

Paris is full of life and energy at this time of year but it's not quite the same as in the states. Snow on Christmas is pretty much an impossibility & the holiday is more festive than anything. Lots of lights, lots of food, free flowing wine & parties. Presents & gifts weren't as big a deal as they are here.

Festive Illuminations Bedeck Paris Streets

We used to follow the old traditions and leave our shoes out on Christmas Eve. We'd wake & find them filled with candy and baubles. One year when my dad told us to get our shoes I returned with every shoe that I owned. Even at age 7 I loved shoes so I had quite a few pairs. My father laughed and reminded me that I couldn't leave all of my shoes out to be filled with trinkets. As I pouted and returned to my room I heard him refer to me as "mon petit collecteur de chaussure"- my little shoe collector. My family still calls me that because well, the shoe thing has followed me well into adulthood.

Speaking of shoes, I went shopping late yesterday with Mikey. He was looking for the perfect gift for Alex & needed some help. He was also trying to be sly & get me to drop some shop talk secrets without me realizing his agenda. Dropping info was no big deal, the extent that he went to in order to NOT seem interested was amusing. Anyway, I think he found something lovely for Alex that she will really like as well.

I never found the shoes I was looking for, for myself. I did find these precious little things for my niece though.

Darling, aren't they?

Tous dans le bon amusement

2005-12-21T07:19:00.000-08:00

It's all in good fun- the banter between Mikey and I. He's a great guy but friends is where the line is always drawn. He likes lower maintenance women and I prefer men without severe anger issues.

Alex, now I think she is a good woman to keep him in line and he'll keep her laughing.

I'm due in court at 1pm and I half wonder if i should leave now just to be sure I'm on time. I'm sure they chose this week to strike because it would put more pressure on the other side to pay up. A gridlock city Christmas week really is a nitemare.

There is one positive though, this gives me an excuse to buy shoes.

I need something that looks great but that I can run 20 blocks in, while it sleets. That is my mission after work- shoe shopping in twenty degree weather, with only my feet to carry me.

Thank you for such a warm welcome to blogland!

Last One In!

2005-12-20T04:05:00.000-08:00

At least that's what I feel like. It seems everybody is blogging nowadays so I might as well try it out myself. I'm one of those people that does a lot of researching & paper pushing in the district attorney's office. Assistant to the Assistant District Attorney would be my official title. I'm easy to spot as I'm always the woman walking behind a huge stack of books or one of the last ones still in their office once darkness falls.

Don't get me wrong, I do love a challenge & I love my job to pieces. The people that I've met along the way, some have turned into great friends. Carver- well you'd never know that the man has a great sense of humor. Just ask him about his "pimp hat" collection & how we add onto it for each holiday. Detective Goren- how I love to trade ideas with Him. Detective Eames- I admire her strength & fortitude, she's also a great Martini buddy. Detective Logan- Nothing says Bronx born cop quite like him. Detective Benson- I love watching her with the survivors. Such a tough cop but she is so tender with those kids. The world is better for people like her existing in it.

Enough of that I'm turning to mush when I need to get moving. The city will barely be moving this morning because *drumroll* the transit workers are on strike. I really should have left for work 2 hours ago but I'm figuring everyone else will be late too and with a good excuse.