Thursday, May 18, 2006

Why me?

I am one hopeless screwed up individual. I either consciously or sub-consciously screw up every single relationship I have.

Whether it be friends, co-workers....Hell, I bet even my cat hates me.

And what do I need to do to stop this? I mean, I'm a grown woman for God's sake. I need to get a hold of myself and try to move forward.

Maybe what I need to do is finally take the bar and stop being an assistant. And become an ADA myself.

Or maybe what I need is that shoulder to cry on and not deaf ears to listen to me....

No one but myself to blame.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Helpless

It kills me to see people that I know and respect in such pain. Such denial.

And it makes them change. Change in some way that isn't for the better.

I think the worst part of it all is that I'm powerless to stop it.

I try to make time in my schedule for what's important. To keep my engagements. And never change the way things are arranged.

Sometimes, I wonder if that has led to the demise of any and all relationships in my life.

That's why I don't have normal relationships. Usually, we both get what we need out of it and we leave it at that. But that does take it's toll. I know I'm not getting any younger and neither is anyone else.

I'm sure people my age thought we would all be happily married with two kids and a dog with a nice little house outside of the city.

But most of the time. We're divorced, maybe remarried. One child that is constantly in the shuffle and probably resents their parents. And you're living in some fifth floor walk-up on the lower east side just to make ends meet.

It wasn't supposed to be like this.

No one was supposed to end up alone, or with one of those "special" friends. No one was supposed to seem disposable.

And I'm sorry that it feels that way. I know, on my part, that's not what was intended.

I just wish there was a way to fix it.....And make it new again. When it was perfect.

But without the power to change the past, I fear....That it may be lost.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Sorry George

I'm slow....And my computer hated me...I think it's got mommy issues.....

1. Do you have a nickname? (other than your blogger nickname)Of course

2. If so what is it? Belisima...You remember that SNL scetch? Yeah...

3. What is your favorite memory as a child? Probably all the time in Paris. Very cool

4. What relative did you like the most?My dad. I could get anything I wanted from him...Daddy's little girl I guess.

5. Who is your best friend? I would say Bobby....Although I do have other friends....You know who you are

Technology

Sorry....Computer was on the blink....But I promise....Something soon....

Friday, February 24, 2006

Casual

Some of you have said that I am treating this thing between Bobby and I like it was nothing.

Let me explain by just saying this. We both get what we need at the time without any titles getting in the way.

Sometimes, I wonder if words really screw up our behavior.

We as a society thrive on titles and positions. We're hardly just people. We're someone's supervisor or someone's assistant. Or teacher or nurse. Or police officer.....

Whatever the case maybe. We often define ourselves by what we are. At least officially.

I hate to talk about her, but take Nicole for example. She's probably lived her whole life trying to outrun some title some used up piece of garbage gave her.

Yes, I feel terrible that her life was so awful. But, that doesn't give her the excuse to murder. Nothing really does that. Except self defense. And there's no way that everyone is out to get her. Just not believable.

I understand that she gets under Bobby's skin. I know they've got this connection. While he let me in on some of the story, it's not like he sat and poured out his heart.

admitting to himself that feelings for her do exist is good for him. He needs to say it out loud. So he can learn to move on.

"It is better to have loved and lost, than never loved at all."

I think that sums it up best. And I don't think it's a love like you would think.

It's that heart-wrenching pain you feel for someone that you understand. You understand all their demons and shadows. And still, you feel this for them. You don't want anything else terrible to happened to them.

Who knows how much more than can take?

I think the thing I find most frustrating about her is, If things were different...And she wasn't, well, a murderer.....She is someone that I would be friends with.

Scary huh?

Not as scary as the work I have to go in to do tomorrow. God, working on Saturday's.

I am married to my job.....

Sunday, February 19, 2006

But I Digress

First of all, if it seemed like I was rubbing my night in Nikki....Excuse me, Nicole's face. Well, it's because I was. Just to light her up a little.

Only because she took the first swing. She should always be prepared to take just as good as she hands out.

Now, I won't get into any sordid details. But I'll tell you about Friday.

I know he wasn't feeling the best, physically. But I could tell he was emotionally drained.

So I just listened. I listened to the Nicole Wallace chronicles. He told me about meeting her for the first time and just knowing that there was something about her. About her embarrassing him just to try and deny the truth to herself. Her daughter...Her ex-husband...And all the people she's killed or tried to kill. I'm glad he's not on that list.

Then he told of all the little mind games they play with each other. How, even though it's painful, it's allowed him new insight to her. New understanding.

And even how, despite all the acts of violence and the emotional scars. That he loves her. Not because he chose to, but because it exists. I can tell he's angry with himself for not wanting to love her. But, he didn't have a choice.

I understand not having a choice. You know that person is like toxin...But you just can't help it. You share some deep, underlying thing that binds you to them. And in that, you're connected. No one else could possibly understand you the way they do.

....And that person I'm talking about, is doing three consecutive life sentences in Attica. Lucky him.

Anyhow, all Bobby really needed was a friend to listen. And I'm glad I can do that for him. He also needs a release. And I'm particularly glad I can do that for him.

Running into her was just a bonus. And seeing her face to face, letting her know that I won't be moved by her threats and intimidation tactics.....

I wouldn't have had it any other way.

Friday, February 17, 2006

This is just a quick one....

Just wanted to say....

Score: Bella 1, Nikki....NOTHING!

...More later...just did this really quick while someone was in the shower.

Thursday, February 16, 2006

All Work

It's been a really busy day today.

Mike had me run over some of the Wallace files for him to go over. Which, I must say. I was more that happy to do. Not just to have someone else stare at them, but just to steal a moment. A glance, anything.

When I came into the squad room, Bobby must have been out. So, I found Mike and got those files out of my hands. (I think I actually felt the slime come off of my hands after that)

He was reviewing tapes of the interviews with her. And he invited me to watch. Not that I wanted to stare at her, but I was compelled. Plus, I felt like I shouldn't leave a friend to suffer alone...And I had nothing else to do. Really....

The more I watched, the more angry I became. I realize she and Bobby have this little "mind games" thing going on, but she was taking some pretty low blows. Anyone that knows him knows that he doesn't discuss anything personal. Ever.

If he even mentions it in passing, it must be something pretty serious.

But, he does always get her, like no one else can. And from the very beginning, he knew what she was. A cold, malicious killer with no mercy. No remorse. Nothing but destruction for those around her.

I have read her case files. And I can see why he is so consumed with her. She gets under your skin. As of late, she has showed some signs of remorse...But even the most dedicated demented murder knows when to turn on the charm.

I was so deep in thought and in conversation with Mike that I didn't hear or see the door open.....

"She kind of gets to you doesn't she?"

Scared the crap out of me, well, not literally. They both laughed at me for being "such a girl," in Mike's words, and I told them that it wouldn't happened again. Which was a terrible lie. I sure they knew that.

That's when I noticed Bobby watching her again. So, I said good bye to Mike, told him to call if he needed anything else, and I asked Bobby to see me out.

It's the gentleman in him, he couldn't say no.

Once we were our of earshot, I told him that he needed some extra attention. The Nicole mess had him all worked up. I know I'm not his "girlfriend" but I am his friend and I hate to see him like this.

"You wouldn't understand."

"Try me."

I promised that I would listen to anything he needed to say about it, tomorrow night over drinks. And then, I would take care of all that ails him.

And then, there was that smile. I live for that smile. And the knowledge that only I can make him smile like that.

The elevator door opened and I turned to get in and he followed. I wasn't quite for sure why, but I assumed that he thought see me out meant see me out to my car. Either way, fine by me.

And that's what he did. He even took my keys and opened my door. (And they say chivalry is dead.)

Then he looked around, making sure no one was watching....And it's a damn good thing I was sitting down because that kiss would have made knees give out.

"So, I take it we're having drinks tomorrow?"

"I don't know....Maybe. And as for that, I just. Well, it felt right."

"Really?"

"Yes."

"So, tomorrow then? It would be good for you."

"You're not letting me out of this. Are you?"

"Not in a million years. How's nine?"

"Perfect."

He handed back my keys and watched as I pulled away. You know, it's not a public thing. And it's not really deep. But, he treats me right. I return the favor. And it works out pretty well.

But what happens behind closed doors stays behind closed doors.

Good thing too, or else we'd both be arrested!